On Family and Healthy Boundaries
Everyone has family drama, and I’m certainly no exception. A couple recent encounters, though, have left me feeling like I should visit r/AITA. See, both of my parents and I are estranged and while I won’t get too far into the why, I feel as though it’s for a good reason and I’m the type of person that despite how much time has passed, I get comfortable with the way things are and prefer not to change them. My mother and I are fine, and we’ve largely put the event behind us, but I’m comfortable where I am in life. Problem is, she wants to see her grandkids and see pictures of them. My paternal grandfather died back in May, and I went back to Boise for the funeral service, and she was there. She is a hugger, and I prefer not to be touched, and like many children, we have a tendency to allow them to do things with us that make us uncomfortable. Not this time. I denied the hug. She was annoyed, naturally. At the conclusion of the week, she asked multiple times in a day when I was going to take my kids to Arizona to see her. Mind you, she has made no effort to call them on major holidays such as Christmas or on their birthdays. Not even so much as a card. So I said I had no interest in taking them to see her if she couldn’t be assed to even give them a call.
Fast forward a few months, and I find myself back in Hawaii for work. My wife calls me to ask if I know a Rachel. I don’t. Turns out my dad, who I haven’t seen or spoken to in nine years is married again. Rachel is his new wife who took to WhitePages.com to try and find me and talk to me. Problem is, she found my mother and sister-in-law and gave them a call to try to get to me. I call her and she tells me she wants me to reconcile with my dad and he wants to get to know his grandkids as well. I more or less tell her the same thing I told my mother months prior. He prioritized going to the Philippines to meet a woman over coming to see me or his grandkids when we were stationed in England. He has shown me where his priorities lie, and I have no interest in subjecting my children to the desires of strangers. If neither parent can be bothered to make a phone call or send a birthday card, why should I make the effort of sending photos or forcing my children to get to know their grandparents?
My point is, I put in the effort and their desires are no longer my priority. I am more comfortable speaking my mind to family now than I used to be. If you find yourself in same situation, muster the courage to say no. You’ll find that you feel better in the long run.